Dear Red States...

Dear Red States,

If you manage to steal this election, too; we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, this includes California, Hawaii ,Oregon ,Washington , Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of 'New California'.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty and Wrigley Field. You get Dollywood and Tropicana Field. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama .

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms and a tax-evasive plumber.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals; they have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs eventually turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in anymore of Bush and McCain's Quagmire.

In the area of culture, you get to enjoy the Coca-Cola Museum, George W. Bush Library and Hank Williams, Jr. We'll revel in the Museum of Modern Art, NY Public Library and Bruce Springsteen.

Just think of all the cuisine you Red Staters can dig into. While we Blue Staters sink into lobster, great bagels and deep dish pizza; you get to dine at 80% of all the Hooters restaurants.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Northwestern, Cal Tech, University of Michigan and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of tobacco chewers and/or smokers (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, and 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11.

Peace out,

Blue States

15 comments:

Michele said...

I sincerely hope you can find humor in the above post, and do not label this blog as politically charged... Only because it is an election year, will you read these types of posts. :)

brainsurgerygirl said...

wow this was awesome!!! did you find all those stats somewhere?

Michele said...

I can not take credit for this article, and I wish I could tell you who could. This piece was sent to me by a co-worker that refuses to tell me his source. Regardless, I found it funny and a great read... so I thought I'd share!

Franciose Mordecai said...

LOVE IT!

Jamie said...

This is perfect. Thanks for sharing!

*J

Kate said...

Really all I care about is this part: "92% of all U.S. mosquitoes" ;)

(I get eaten alive by those things!)

kimmus122 said...

That, my dear, is fabulous. I will have to share with others!

<3 said...

Just wanted to tell you that I linked to you in my blog as a Kreativ Blogger :)

Megan said...

This is great! Love it. Thank you!

Heather said...

Can you take me with you? I live in Georgia (I won't take too much offense to the UGA remark).

Plus, I'm not sure that getting Microsoft is something to brag about, but you would get Macintosh!

Well said and well written - love your blog!

alphafoobar said...

Amusing post... It would be funny if countries borders were decided like this... perhaps less problems in the world?

Thinking not just the USA. Or perhaps more? Those red states would be a problem.

Fifi Flowers said...

WOW... pretty radical.
Not everyone in all the states are voting completely red or completely blue. And thank goodness that is true. We are a two party country based on demcracy. Otherwise there would be no reason to vote. We could all just obey whatever leader was put into office and have no say.
Diversity is WONDERFUL! I can't imagine everyone the same.
Looking forward to Wednesday and the end to this election... it is tiring!

Piece o' Coconut Cake said...

Lucky us, we don't have to move now!

stacy said...

I laughed.

Fifi Flowers said...

WHERE are you? Still celebrating?